Quick, come to the Meat Harbor: The Elder Scrolls 4 Oblivion Remastered is real, and it better have brought back the original’s best feature

Forget everything else, we request Mehrunes Dagon’s ludicrously-named corridors.

Look, it wasn’t expected to beryllium similar this.

I entered the Oblivion Gate, a plucky young adventurer overflowing with zeal and a tendency to beryllium the 9 divines were close to springiness maine a 2nd chance. I channeled the tone of the dearly-departed Patrick Stewart successful a wig. His words, commanding maine to CLOSE SHUT THE JAWS OF OBLIVION, they were ringing successful the ears attached to my potato-shaped caput adorned with a look lone a janky parent could love.

I was not ready.

I followed those Bruma guards in, and they weren’t acceptable either. I watched them descent down the flimsy incline into the lava, powerless to halt them from gathering their tragic and toasty fate. The hairs connected the backmost of my misshapen cervix pricked up arsenic I listened to their cries of pain.

UURGH. HAHHH. WUHUGHH. OUUOOGHH. HGGGHHH. The screaming of outpouring lads that don’t cognize to run, it paralyses you. But the soundlessness that followed, erstwhile they’d each flopped down into the orangish ooze, either dormant oregon unconscious. That’s what truly turned the screw. “Jauffre,” I yelled astatine the apical of my lungs, “Baurus! Where are you both? Come and prevention maine from this caller hell, this oblivion of Oblivion!” No 1 came.

And so, I trekked on, searching for the sigil chromatic that would teleport my helpless form, bedecked successful armour the information of which would beryllium improved if lone I’d remembered to prime up immoderate repair hammers during my past travel to the Market District. I began to acclimatise to the realm. With its looming, spiky towers lodging unspeakable horrors. Its airy ungraded paths, penetrated by jagged chromatic slabs jutting retired of the world and patrolled by bloodthirsty scamps. The changeless auditory screaming and bubbling successful the background.

I would beryllium okay. This was conscionable a generic hell. Terrifying, sure, but thing retired of the ordinary. Nothing unique, thing weird. Nothing excessively alien from the precise Lord of the Rings movie-ish forests and fields backmost successful Cyrodiil I was accustomed to wandering oregon jumping past due to the fact that my acrobatics accomplishment was lagging behind. I knew nary jungles, contempt what immoderate lore books successful Vvardenfell mightiness person erstwhile said connected the matter.

What could prevarication wrong these infernal towers, these lusty keeps? | Image credit: Bethesda/VG247

Then, I came to the archetypal door. ‘Enter: The Blood Feast’ it read, and abruptly the tights nether my cuirass were nary longer clean. The Blood Feast, I whispered to myself arsenic though conscionable saying the words could curse my household for generations. Oh, by the nine! Foul and horrific imaginings of what could prevarication wrong were conjured successful my mind. Two Clannfears roasting an Imperial connected a spit. Spikes being thrust into places that spikes should not beryllium thrust. A meal day with the Adoring Fan that ends with his full still-living signifier being surgically implanted into your skull.

I shuddered. Surely it cannot beryllium this bad? Thankfully, it was not. Each conception I ran through, from the Blood Well, to the Meat Harbor, to the dreaded Corridors of Dark Salvation, each contained things, but nary rather lived up to their uber-saucy names. They were each conscionable rooms, halls, and passages that looked a spot spooky, and were location to a fewer enemies. They weren’t areas you would breathlessly archer your grandkids you fought through, alternatively tales you mightiness prevention for if you request to deploy a distraction portion holding up the queue astatine Jensine's ‘Good arsenic New’ Merchandise due to the fact that you can’t find the authoritative Tiber Septim memorial wallet you bought successful the White-Gold Tower’s acquisition shop.

I overcame them, grabbed the chromatic successful the arsenic grandly named Sigillum Sanguis, and CLOSED SHUT THIS PARTICULAR JAW OF OBLIVION.

I wasn’t done, though. There were a clump of different gates that required slamming similar a car doorway successful the rain, and I was the lone 1 who could bash it. So, I braved the Caverns of the Abused, the Halls of Shame, and the Embers of Hatred. I scaled the Brooding Fortress, climbed the Gore Steeple, and mounted the Flesh Spire. I endured the Molten Halls conscionable to conflict the craven innards of the Lust Keep. I wandered the Rending Halls, past negotiated the Portals of Natural Disaster. I overcame the Red Gnash Channels, the Bowels, and the Chaos Stronghold, though not needfully successful that order. The Smoke and Scorch was thing to maine and I roared with booming laughter arsenic I strolled done Vaults of End Times to unafraid a day with the acme of the Great Gate’s World Breaker.

The gates - lesser gates, large gates, mean gates - I moseyed done them all. | Image credit: Bethesda/VG247

As I became a much and much seasoned Oblivion Gate delver, Mehrunes’ monikers ceased to scare maine astatine all. I came to emotion them, due to the fact that similar a batch of the remainder of my adventures successful Cyrodiil, the surface-level ridiculousness they offered often brought maine much joyousness than the coagulated elements that laic down them. I revelled successful the benignant - the aesthetics - of Oblivion, due to the fact that a batch of the clip it was that which played the astir salient relation successful making the experiences I had truthful memorable, alternatively than the substance of them.

Long aft my adventuring days were done, and I had CLOSED SHUT THE JAWS OF OBLIVION, I recovered myself reminiscing astir this facet of them during a spot of midnight day beverage with Sheogorath astatine New Sheoth Palace. The Mad God, not often 1 to beryllium excessively funny successful what I said, abruptly seemed funny connected this occasion.

“In that case, and fixed that mods exist, bash you deliberation The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is worthy remastering?” helium responded, retired of the blue. I was taken aback.

“My Lord, what are these unusual things of which you speak?” I spluttered.

“Humour me, mortal, oregon Punishment Point awaits!” helium commanded.

“Does immoderate video crippled that you tin inactive really play connected a just magnitude of platforms successful thing adjacent to its archetypal authorities truly need a remaster?” The words near my lips without my encephalon adjacent having formulated oregon processed them. Could it beryllium that the Prince of Madness had utilized a scroll of blistery instrumentality connected maine without my knowledge?

“Hm,” helium replied, “Haskill reckons Morrowind oregon Daggerfall mightiness person been much utile subjects to person specified a treatment.”

“That’s fair,” I said, again without thinking, “I conjecture it was conscionable expected to beryllium like this.”